The children
They already know. The question is what they have been left to conclude.
What children build in the absence of an explanation is almost always an explanation about themselves: that it is their fault, or their job to manage it.
They already know
Start here, because nearly everything else follows from it. Children in a house with a drinker know. They know before anybody tells them, they know more accurately than the adults believe, and what they do not have is a name for it or permission to mention it.
What they build instead is a private explanation, and the explanation children build is almost always about themselves: he is like this because of me, or it is my job to keep the peace, or if I am good enough it will not happen tonight.
The two sentences that do most of the work
Whatever else is said, these two need saying, plainly, more than once, at whatever age:
- It is not your fault. Nothing they did, said, needed or wanted caused it.
- It is not your job to fix it. Not to manage him, not to calm him, not to look after you, and not to keep it secret from their own friends.
Children who are told those two things by one steady adult do better than children who are not. That is not a slogan; it is the least controversial finding in this whole subject.
What to say, roughly by age
These are shapes rather than scripts, and you know your own child.
- Very young. Keep it to what they can see. Daddy is poorly tonight and it is not because of you. Then move them on to something ordinary. They need the routine more than the explanation.
- Primary age. Name it simply and without the word nobody uses at home: some grown-ups get ill with drinking, it is a real illness, it is being dealt with by grown-ups, and it is not your fault or your job. Answer exactly the question asked and nothing more.
- Teenage. They have already worked it out and they will resent a soft version. Be honest about what is happening, honest about what you do not know, and clear that they are not the parent. Expect anger, sometimes at you rather than at him, because you are the one who is available to be angry at.
- Grown-up children. The temptation is to use them as a confidant. Be careful. An adult child can help with a decision and should not be asked to carry the marriage.
What not to make them carry
- Do not ask them to lie for you, to him, or about him — including the small social lies about why he is not there.
- Do not ask them to check on him, put him to bed, or count what he has had.
- Do not make them the referee, and do not ask them whose side they are on.
- Do not ask them to keep it from a teacher, a doctor, or a relative who asks a direct question.
- Do not promise that it will not happen again when you do not know.
One steady adult who tells the truth in proportion is the thing that protects a child here. It does not have to be a calm house to be a truthful one.
When it is not a conversation any more
If a child is being hurt, frightened, left with someone who is drunk, used to get at you, or put in a car by someone who has been drinking, that is a safety matter and not a parenting one. The line is set out here and the safety page names the routes.
Children’s services being involved is the outcome people fear most and it is not the same as losing your children. A parent who has raised it, named it, and asked for help is in a materially different position from one who has not.
This site does not give legal advice. Anything to do with custody, contact, or the family courts needs a solicitor who can see your papers.